My Toilet Exploded
Aka: my book isn’t working
Song for this post: Rollin With The Punches by The Blue Stones
I have been sitting in my car for two hours every night to write.
What is coming out is boring me to tears. I don’t like my characters. I like Marcy and Zander. I don’t even like my own character which is saying something.
What I want to do at the moment is just share stories from my life. Some I’ve perfected, some just happened; like the one below which happened last Saturday.
The thing is I called this Darwinning because I get myself into some stupid situations. Yet, I’ve always been ashamed to be stupid. Whatever, embrace it. Be who you are. Just enjoy it. If that means sharing a poop story then share the poop story:
4/16/2022
I was doing my business and noticed I can’t flush my toilet. Well, a quick Google and realize Ace Hardware is closed. They are the ones who have the enzyme I use on my pipes.
My plumbing is old. The house is from the 19th century. I’ve had trouble in the past with flushing. I got a tip to use single ply paper as it’s easier on the pipes. And every few months I put some of this enzyme down the drain. I haven’t had a problem in over a year. This stuff is great. I take a cup of these flakes and pour them down the tub drain because you aren’t ever supposed to put them down the toilet for some reason. Then let hot water flow over the drain. In 30 seconds or less the toilet isn’t backed up any more. And it’s not messing up my pipes either.
But I knew what to do. I go to the only place still open; Walmart. And while there, I notice the enzymes aren’t there. Another product that looks similar and says it’s enzymes is there. So I grab it and grab an auger for good measure.
I get home, read the directions, and use the entire bottle in the toilet bowl, then flush immediately.
This is not the same product. This product is completely different. This product is from the bowels of hell.
See, my toilet isn’t flushing. Why would I buy a product to help the flow in my pipes if my pipes were flowing? I hit the button and the water rises to almost the top because it’s backed up, nothing is going down.
This is when all hell broke loose.
It was like someone put mentos in Coke. There was poop soda streaming all over the floor like the worst paper mache volcano ever.
I have roll after roll of paper towels piled up on the floor. I called up my sister to see if she has a real mop and not the kind with the stickers like I have. She has two mops and no bucket. So, I have a River of sewage a pile of poopy paper towels, two mops and a plastic tote to combat it. Thankfully, I also have bleach. So much bleach.
And you may be asking yourself, “Why wouldn’t you put down towels in case the toilet overflowed?”
I’ll tell you why. Because I’m not made of money; that’s why.
If I used those towels they are going directly into the trash. There is no reality in which poop towels could ever be washed. They are tainted forever. If they touched the washer I’d have to get a new washer. My hands? Cut ‘em off. I don’t need them that badly. So, it’s a pile of dead trees instead.
But now I have a new problem. The cats are curious. One of them is addicted to the smell of bleach. She might have been a meth head in her past life; I don’t know; but she goes crazy like catnip for it. But the ooze is growing and all I’m doing is; get this; herding fucking cats.
Pick up one and move it upstairs. Pick up another and move it upstairs. The third will be murdered by the other two so can’t put them together. And they can open the door because why not? Usually, I neatly tie a string between the door and the banister. No time for that here. Can’t let the other one eat bleach, can I? Back and forth I’m picking them up and dropping them off.
“Go away! I’m not fucking kidding!”
So, my sister sees all this and is like, “Can I help?”
“Nope, got it.”
Yes, please help!
I get her to open the basement door. They aren’t allowed down there ever. I live a block away from a river; an actual river, not the poop one in my house; and I have an old dirt basement. So creepy crawlers get in and the cats bring me gifts, like half-chewed garter snakes. I don’t particularly like half chewed snakes. They look at me like it’s Christmas and jet down those stairs.
The basement is more interesting than a poop river. Good to know. Now with the cats out of the way I can tackle the cleaning. Time to sweep up all this mess and mop underneath it with bleach. (Side note: I NEED to buy a new broom because yuck). But the toilet is still overflowing with bubbles; not water.
Now, I’ve never used and auger before. So I’m reading the directions that have no pictures. And I push the snake all the way through, like it says and am so fucking confused as to why it’s not going down the drain.
I realize my mistake but not before I see a flashlight out my window of my neighbor working on his car. So, he’s probably seen the whole thing. Just me turning the handle on a limp wire going, “Why won’t it go in!?”
So now I stop to YouTube using an Auger and realize I’ve pushed the wire when I should have pulled it. I snake the drain three times and finally something pops up to the surface. I’m expecting sewage or roots. Nope!
You know what it was?
About a month earlier I’d tried to get my bathroom in nicer shape. So, I put in a deodorizer. The metal bar clings to the ceramic bowl.
That had fallen in and been flushed. I hadn’t even noticed. Mystery solved.
So, all that to say. There is more than one way to clean a bathroom. I don’t recommend a poop river.